“I know I can trust you, but…”

Trust, like a tree in autumn

Questioned by the unknown

I know I can trust you, but…

---

Said branches to leaves

Said leaves to branches

Trust may break

Trust may be shaken

Trust may be lost, completely

---

Like a leaf in autumn,

One may feel betrayed

When suddenly let go

By whom they thought as their backbone

High up on cloud nine

Left to a plunging, cold fall

---

Like a branch in autumn

One may be shockingly abandoned

By leaves that leave

One may be made a fool of

By leaves that threaten to leave

That may be you, shaken, broken inside

---

Trust, like a tree in autumn

Broken by the unpredictable

I know I can trust you, but…

Pockets

A day at a time

A tear that will dry

There is a reason,

There is a season

But still there is despair

A hug to say all is fine

A word of encouragement

To calm a racing mind

But there will still be that moment

Hands in pockets, and emptiness felt

Such is a revisiting sorrow

That comes in waves

Such is a daunting anxiety

That comes uninvited

Such is the guilt felt

For shifting the mood

So I ask that you bear with me

You jolly soul, best friend, confidant

One day it may be well

One day the pockets may be filled

With something other than emptiness

Something worth remembering,

Something that will carve a smile

Undoing

To know that, she’s had you

Over and over

I want to understand

When you say you’re committed

Just how many times must I have you

To teach your body something new?

I say that I’m fine, but these words…

Need undoing , revealing that I’m not

Blues

In a world of chaos

Some are choosing their blues

The big ones, the little ones

And they ponder in recluse

So be wary and considerate

That you know not their fate

For some have slept

Only to wake and walk

Walking, but not existing

For some have dreamt

A thousand dreams, yet still sulk

Moping in misery

And for some, they are hoping

For a glimpse of a miracle

Hands clasped tightly

As they mumble prayers of petition

And as for the writer,

She cries out for reassurance

Tonight, feeling weighted more

By the littlest of blues

Tower

Tower of refuge

They say You are

But to get to You,

Is going to take some effort

Lord be my helper

As I find my way to You

---

Tower of restoration

I’ve heard You are

But I’m deceived,

By the people so few

Lord quench the lying voices

That stay manipulating my thoughts

---

Tower of Purpose

Stay right where You are

Because I’m not losing You this time

Be it bend or bump on the way

I’m coming to You Lord

Sometime between sunset and sunrise

Night of…

Night of laments

So why do I see the stars?

For every mistake, a choice I made

---

Night so contoured

Why do I sense hope?

The haze, slowly fading into the horizon

---

Night, of…restoration

Certainly must be

Regrets are in the distant

While Minding My Business

A fortnight later

And he’s gifted me

A glimmer of hope

This, while simply minding my business

---

He could be the one

But he often disappears

Then I’m left to ponder

My only warning, being a moment’s notice

---

Then he reappears

As if to make amends

My heart jumping with joy

As if to tell me, “Didn’t I say so?”

---

Who does he think he is?

Leaving me in disarray

Telling me about his day

Then gone in a whiff

---

I better stay calm

Guard this heart of mine

Lest she warms up to him

For the grandest of falls

---

A fortnight to come

I may be left morose

And so maybe it’s time

To dish out my trusty detachment

Calm

It’s as hard to explain

As it is to watch

Because today, Calm won’t even as much

Meet my eyes, or break into embrace

---

Two or three gather

There’s a crowd

Involuntarily losing control

I must prepare myself

---

A breath in, a breath out

What am I inviting in?

What am I letting out?

I’m held back suddenly

---

Silence, as I try to articulate

It’s like I have no voice

And something keeps pulling at my nape

Ten fingers, seemingly turned dozen

---

I tell you, Calm is out for me

She steals my voice

Latches onto my neck

And casts me into the springs of anxiety

Still

Be still,

But this is a different kind of stillness

I am still, but restless

At night, a laying place for my worries

A morning, just a morning

Lonesome obstacles placed in my way

I am tense and life seemingly grey

Rowing a boat in uncertain tides

Night falls, time to be still

But where is peace to be bestowed on me?

A bonfire night, an angry sea

That is how the day ends, still, but not that STILL

I(am)mposter

And what I have been dreading,

Has come to pass.

Cornered and tormented,

Today is that day.

I face the music, I am found out.

Confronted by the voices,

After a myriad of disguises.

And which of them was best?

I say to you…

Imagine trying to see colour

In a world of darkness

Today, unfortunately,

I can no longer comfort

The imposter in me

Sleep

When the hours are long gone

And we ache in our bones

A place of rest, we find to repose

So we close our eyes, and curl our toes

And for some hours or more, our troubles subside

But in the middle of the night, we awaken wide

And are reminded once again of our pending perils

Wishing we could sleep forever, take some sleeping pills

To forget all our worries and put them on hold

But it continues years and years, till we are frail and old

Realizing then, the fallacies on TV we’ve been sold

Only maybe, we’d be closer to a forever sleep

Shutting our eyes, one final time, with all our uncertainties buried away deep.

Elsie

Anxiety

Two breaths to the finish line

And he is nowhere to be found

I am free

My senses, glad to be back in unison

As if they all had returned from a distant journey

We are relieved that he is gone

But before two breaths

Was an almost breathless marathon

He almost makes me think he’ll go easy on me

Till seconds after an utterance or two

He starts to choke me

I struggle to let out my voice

But they all can hear

A voice that resembles nervous notes

Of a woodwind instrument

My fingers at the slightest touch, turn vibrating strings

My guts, a wrung cloth

And my feet, they aren’t sure if they rest on ground

This marathon, he’s there every step

But I see the finish line

He sees it too

We both have a fear

He is my fear, and the finish line, his

Because freedom awaits on the other side.

He is my anxiety.

Walls

Reticent Fighter

Invisible flaws provoke a whirlwind

Quivering hands and a voice that trembles

Winning still feels like losing

To a reticent fighter.

 

They try their hardest

They run the farthest

Their tears are rivers

And the mind, a tauntress

 

Prisoners, they are pleading

They bleed internally

Their finest hours snatched

And it’s a pitiful sight

 

To look at them, as they drown

In a sea of inferiority

And with every hint of sympathy

Is a voice slowing fading away

 

As anxiety cuffs onto them

They are tortured right before you

With quaky fingers, as though searching the ground

For what is left of their shredded dignity

 

Their efforts to willingly subdue

Are thrown out the door

And ultimately, the nails on the coffin

Are the gags of the many that fail to construe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ALL SHE IS, WAS NOT ALL SHE WAS

Angst followed behind her

And promised to solemnize misery

He taunted, as she suppressed the nerves

And all she is, was not all she was.

 

Her heart thumped at the mention of her name

Her mind, as void as the genesis

The invisible leash latched on her

And her hands betrayed her calm

 

Eyes watching, pierced like needles

And she spoke each time with haste heightened.

As though trying not to drown,

As though slowly sinking in quick sand.

 

Oh she fought, but so fragilely,

And she wanted to conquer

But her broken self, she could not mend,

Her voice begged for sympathy.

 

All she is, she was not,

Angst, he took his bow.